1. I eat cereal with a fork and do my homework in the dark.
2. I once crammed an entire jumbo-sized moonpie in my mouth.
3. I keep forgetting that it’s 2009.
4. I have been licked by a giraffe.
5. I am addicted to the ass-slap dance move. Sometimes I don’t even notice I’m doing it.
6. I made my wife fall in love with me with my skill at #5
7. I’ve seen the movie Star Wars well over 1000 times.
8. When I’m bored, I time myself to see how long I can go without thinking of penguins.
9. When observing passers-by, I pretend I’m Johnny from The Dead Zone and come up with some downright AWFUL things about each one.
10. I think webbed feet are funny.
11. Every time I walk through the automatic doors at Kroger, I make the “Star Trek door noise” (Schwip).
12. When I was a kid, I spent a summer agitating spiders in my back yard and letting them bite me so that I could gain the powers and abilities of Spider-Man.
13. I was born with wooden legs and real feet.
14. I wet the bed until the beginning of my 7th grade year.
15. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.
16. I add the word “motherf*cker” to the end of commercial slogans/jingles. Easy-Off makes oven cleaning easier motherf*cker.”
17. I once won a water gargling contest.
18. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.
19. The last alcohol I drank was about 7 months ago.
20. I got kicked out of a adult movie theater after someone complained about my water gun filled with hand lotion.
21. I have 1 regret.
22. I spend way too much time obsessing over the fact that people say “folks.” Why, for God’s sake, when “folk” is already plural???
23. At home, I climb the stairs on all fours, pretending to be Spider-Man.
24. I don’t understand French.
25. Sometimes I think pee smells like Flintstones Chewables.