Here’s a little story that will explain just how familiar I am with alcoholic drinks.
A while ago, my wife and I were invited out for dinner and drinks at Newport on the Levee.
For those who don’t know, Newport on the Levy is an entertainment complex that played a HUGE part in turning Newport, KY from “Cincinnati’s asshole” to one of the happening places to be. Newport, KY has done what Cincinnati has failed to do time and time again: turn their downtown area into someplace people want to go.
Anyway, we had never been to Newport on the Levee and we don’t normally get to go out and do stuff with friends all that much because the kids are involved in scouts, soccer, scouts, baseball, ballet, and basketball. But we found a Friday night where we weren’t busy, dropped the kids off for a sleepover at Grandma’s, and we went to this place at Newport on the Levee called Jefferson Hall.
We sat down and ordered out drinks. I ordered a Coke, my wife ordered a water, and the couple that we were with ordered beers. My wife’s water and our friends’ beers came in these big 32 ounce plastic cups, but mine arrived in a 6-ounce glass tumbler. I thought, “Well that’s odd. Surely, beer is more expensive than Coke, so why are their cups so much larger than mine? What a thing to skimp on.” On top of that, my drink came with a little swizzle straw. I thought, “OK, small glass, small straw.” I sucked a mouthful of drink through it and instantly thought, “Ugh, their Coke syrup isn’t working, it’s just carbonated water.” Then I swallowed, and it all became clear. I pushed it to the center of the table and proclaimed, “That isn’t Coke.”
I called the waitress back and explained that I hadn’t gotten what I ordered. She asked, “Didn’t you order a rum and Coke?”
“No, just a Coke.” I seriously kicked around the idea of pretending I was a recovering alcoholic and everything was now ruined, but I didn’t think I could pull it off. We got it all straightened out and she brought me just a Coke, but that god-awful taste would not leave my mouth. Even through the popcorn shrimp, the bacon cheese fries, the onion rings, and the ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery…that taste just would not go away.
I was getting closer and closer to vomiting and I needed to go home. We said our good-byes and my wife drove while I was concentrating on not yakking everywhere. Once we arrived home, I raced to the bathroom, slapped a big dollop of AquaFresh on my toothbrush and brushed my teeth for like 20 minutes.
God, it was awful.
Textual Intercourse 
June 9, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Wow. So do you not drink any alcoholic beverages? Did you like try it once and hated it? That is such an extreme reaction.
I would have LOVED for the server to think that you were a recovering alcoholic and she ruined it for you, that really would have been awesome.
June 9, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Yes, I do drink alcohol, but it’s usually beer. And it’s typically once in a great while. For instance, it’s not unusual for me to have maybe 4 beers in a year (and that would be considered alot).
2009 has been absolutely CRAZY with beer drinking. And by “crazy” I mean that I’ve had about 15 between Jan 1 and Jun 9.
June 10, 2009 at 7:07 pm
WHOA. 15? Calm down, boozer.
June 11, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I seem to recall back in the day you getting “upholstered” pretty solidly along with the rest of us. Of course, that was 20 years ago.
June 11, 2009 at 2:54 pm
True. That was 20 years ago. I probably drank more between the ages of 16 and 21 than I have between the ages of 21 and 39.
June 11, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Wow, I had no idea you were such a party animal.